i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
