final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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