Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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