There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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