Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
