I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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