i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
