overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
