8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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