my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
