your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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