Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
