Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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