Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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