In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
