Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Plan B is the new Plan A
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
