I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
