I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
