Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
