it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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