my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
