god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
