i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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