i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
What drink are we having for lunch?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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