no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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