my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
