Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
