all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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