How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
