i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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