where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
COCAINE IS GR8
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Randomize
