My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
