God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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