there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
