I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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