Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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