I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
