I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
