I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
