i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
