God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
