The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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