come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
