i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
