Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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