Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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