remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
