I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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