Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Randomize
