Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
