You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
