im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
