Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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