bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
